Receiving Care - Reflective Listening [Video]
Transcript
Hi, I'm Sivea Key, and welcome to Retirement Safety Zone. Today, we're talking about caregiving from a slightly different perspective, the perspective of the person who is receiving the care. First, we'll look at unconscious expectations of caregivers and the complaints of care receivers. Then, we'll go over five tips for dealing with emotional challenges experienced during the transition from living independently towards needing care, and we'll go into some depth on each one. We'll learn about things that you and I can do for our loved ones who are experiencing this big change in life. The third tool we're going to discuss is using reflective listening to get to the heart of difficult issues for your loved one who is transitioning between independence and needing care.
So often, it is difficult for our loved ones to really convey what's bugging them. Emotions get heated and the message is lost. The real issue could be something simple. It may not be related to what they're telling you about, but unless we learn how to hear each other and verify what we hear, a good solution can be very difficult to come by. In their article “On Reflective Listening,” Neil Katz and Kevin McNulty tell us that reflective listening is a special type of listening that involves paying respectful attention to the content, and feeling expressed in another person's communication. Reflective listening is hearing and understanding, and then letting the other person know that they are being heard and understood.
Reflective listening itself can help in many ways. It lets the speaker know that he or she has been heard, understood, cared for, and supported. It gives you a chance to figure out what they meant, and what they expect you to do. It can be an effective technique for clearing the air and helping the speaker think and speak more clearly about what they're feeling and about what's really bothering them. This process may help them arrive at their own solution to the problem, which is so empowering. If you can help a person find their own solution, you are helping give them a little more control over a life that feels out of control, and that's quite a gift. So first of all, make sure you are ready and able to keep your cool. If the mood or the topic is too upsetting at the moment, just wait until later.
You might even try moving to a calmer environment, someplace with less people or less distractions. You might want to figure out how your loved one feels most comfortable talking. Maybe they'd rather have you sit by their side while you discuss this, or maybe (especially if they're hard of hearing) they may be more comfortable if you're sitting in front of them face-to-face. Some people just like doing something with their hands while they're talking, so you could pick a puzzle or planting a pot or some other activity. The most important thing is that you learn how they're most comfortable, because then they'll most be able to be real with you. Pay attention to everything: the details, their hand gestures, tone of voice and expressions, as well as their words. Think about all you know about them, the person they are and everything they've discussed recently. It'll help you put what they're saying now into context.
Let them know that you're listening. Look at them, catch their eye. Chime in with little comments like, "Sure, yeah. Then what?" Keep it positive. You don't want to end up in an argument about it. You can just check in now and then, make sure you understand what they're saying. A lot of times the story can start going really fast and hard and you're left behind, so you just have to interrupt kindly and try to reflect back to them what you understood. Keep in mind that your goal is to make sure you accurately understood their feelings and what they're trying to tell you. You can use phrases like “you're feeling sad,” “you look angry,” anything. You're trying to confirm what you are sensing from them. And then when you want to confirm what they mean, try a sentence that starts with “so you're feeling,” and describe the emotion. Then you can say, “you're feeling afraid,” and you can say “about,” “because,” or “when” “you're feeling afraid,” and then you describe the situation: “You’re feeling afraid when you go to the cafeteria because you don't know anyone.” Or just, “You’re feeling afraid when you go to the cafeteria,” that may be all they've communicated so far. You may have guessed that it's because they don't know anyone.
You want your tone of voice to come up at the end and leave space in the conversation so that they understand that there's room for them to correct you. You want them to make sure you get it right because otherwise, you'll just end up in another cycle. You want to focus on them, and if they seem to be struggling with what to say, just be patient. You'd be amazed how kind silence can draw out deeper feelings and more carefully thought out explanations when people feel there's space for them. Once you and your loved one feel like you're on the same page, take a shot at summarizing what they said and felt. You're not necessarily looking for a solution, but a lot of times a solution can come out of really understanding what's bothering them and the details of this situation.
If you get the impression that you're expected to do something about the situation, just say it outright. Explain what you think they want you to do and get some clarification on it. Make sure that's what they want you to do. Maybe when they hear you say it, they'll change their mind. Also, it's really important not to judge their feelings or brush over them. Try to stay away from things like, "Oh, don't worry about that, or everything will be fine." Because obviously they don't feel it's fine. They're upset. Something has to happen in the middle here so they can set it aside. Reflective listening can take practice.
Experiment. It's okay. You need to find your own way to do this. Katz and McNulty's article includes some more instructions and some examples of how to use the power of reflective listening. As a matter of fact, you can use it in any situation, whether you're a caregiver or struggling with a cohort at work. Or maybe at Thanksgiving, come to think of it. Anyway, this article might be exactly what you're looking for to get through a difficult time. If you want more detail, look in the description down below the video and click the link. I hope it works for you.
Thank you for spending time with me today. I hope you found this helpful, and if you did, please give us a thumbs up or share this information with your friends. Subscribe to our channel if you want to continue to learn about ways you can help others and ways that you can protect your family and your retirement. Thanks and have a great day.
Next Steps
Looking for more information about giving or receiving care? You can find all of our posts about caregiving here.
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