How To Give Care When You Can’t Be There: Long Distance Caregiving

Transcript

Hello, and welcome to the Retirement Safety Zone series on how to give care when you can't be there. That's something that's touched all of our lives - experiencing a time of being isolated, alone, without someone to help out. Maybe a time in college when you weren't feeling well, and all you had at the other end of the line was mom or dad telling you it's going to be all right. Well nowadays the people we love and care for are more likely not to live nearby. There's still that telephone call. Give your loved one a call and don't be shy to find out what's going on with them. Maybe probe, gently, to see if there's something they really need right now. (We'll give you some more tips later on how you can help with get them what they need.) If you can do video conferencing, and your friend or loved one, family member, is feeling up to handling it, try a Zoom call or Skype (something where you can see how they're doing). That not only can be very intimate, it can also give you clues and spark ideas on things that you could do that might make things a little bit better for them. Think about when you were back in college, or the first time away from your hometown, and you caught the flu or a really bad cold, and you're all alone in an apartment, looking at the same old four walls. Then you get a call from mom or dad, or your sister or best friend, and you just get to kind of lay it all out there. Didn’t you feel a little bit better afterwards? Well, that's our first tip, just stay in touch. In fact, an “old-fashioned” card or letter, or a picture your children made, can be a wonderful, living, enduring way to stay in touch. It's something that your loved one, your sister, your child, can keep around, to remind them every day that there's someone out there that really cares. It can even be fun to pass along stories if you have children, or you're a writer yourself. Maybe you just remember something joyful or fun or silly in the past – share a few stories like that. It gives a little moment of brightness and intimacy to what can be a lonely time. Those are our first two tips. The third tip is a little more serious. If you feel like you can get more involved in your loved one's life, it's a great idea to them about neighbors that they have a trust, or have a relationship with, or maybe family members that are in their area, and try to get ahold of them. Team up. Find ways to touch base with this loved one, with your friend or family member. Maybe not on a daily basis, but something regular so there's someone with eyes on the situation, able to see if the house is clean, for example. Okay, if they don't usually keep the house clean, don't worry about it. But if someone sees a change in circumstances for your loved one, that's usually a clue something is not being taken care of, it's not going right. It may be that they're too weak due to the ailment they have, or they're grieving, or are depressed. If it's an emotional condition, it could be a case of someone needing to intervene. That can be a hard call. Make sure you're staying in communication, and you have a pretty solid idea of whether this is a change or just a bad day. You can always call the police if it's an emergency situation, it's part of their normal routine to do wellness checks, but kind of a last resort. Afterall, you don't want to scare your loved one with a police call. But in an emergency a wellness check can be life-saving, so don't be shy. The fourth tip would be to help with shopping. You know if you're not feeling well for whatever reason, how your energy just kind of falls to a low ebb it's hard to get anything done? Or you may be physically unable to get certain things done, like making sure you have toothpaste, or eggs and bread in the fridge. You can help your friend by online shopping with them, make sure to get the things that they really care about, and have them delivered to their door. Or if it's a trusted neighbor or a friend or family member that you're teaming up with, you can do the shopping part, and they could do the delivery part and help put things away. There's lots of ways to team up with a local crew and ways to get things done if there's not. While we’re thinking about everyday needs, what else is on the list? Prescriptions. The most straight forward approach is to just ask them. Asking something like, "Hey, are you getting your medicine on time?” or “Are you running out of anything?" can be all it takes. At the same time you might try to get a sense if cost has become a concern. You can shop for discounts online for them, call the pharmacist, even have them deliver the medication to your loved one's home. Managing prescriptions is a very practical thing that you can do without being there. Now we're starting to get into tips that involve more personal concerns, some people may feel it to be invasive so tread carefully. Imagine you just had a video call to your friend who is usually well-groomed, clothes are clean, house is clean. Things just aren't right. Maybe they're still in their jammies. You might be able to nudge them a little to find out when the last shower was. Or you can kind of share your own stories about repairs needed or times you couldn’t manage by yourself. Overall your trying to discover what isn't going right in their life that they usually feel good about? For some people it might be as simple as worrying about the lawn being mowed. Things like cleaning or lawn care can be a simple spirit-lifting thing you can help take care of by hiring outside services. There are other more intimate, more difficult things to talk about, obviously, like not being able to use the toilet on their own, or get their zipper zipped, or get up and down from their bed. For some people, having a house cleaner would be the last thing they want, it's too personal, and you might have to build up to that. For other people, that's the easiest way you could help them. Again, it's about rapport, it's about teaming up with whoever's there on the ground that can give you some tips on what's going on. Some solutions might be as simple as calling the neighbor's kid to mow the lawn or a friend's house cleaner to come in once a week. However it could be time to get more involved, maybe even arrange a case manager to set up care. We have more guidance on all of these tips in our blog section, so feel free to check it out at retirementsafetyzone.com for more details. You’ll find the whole series on a single page once you get started on one of the episodes. We’ve included helpful links and downloads. In this next tip, we’re getting into steps that you don't want to take lightly. When your loved one needs caregivers to get through the day, it may be time to contact the caregivers directly. Become part of the team that's watching out for your friend. Make sure they know how to reach you, make sure they know you're watching, and check in regularly for status reports, if they'll allow you to. Being in touch reminds caregivers to check on your loved one more carefully, so they have something to report to you. It lets them know someone's around who cares. Getting involved is a good way to build a team with caregivers and medical providers. Which leads to our eighth tip contacting medical providers. We're talking about getting a list of all the people that provide healthcare for your loved one, including specialists like a physical therapist. Get more involved. Be the person that they know is going to check up with them to make sure your loved one's getting the care that they deserve and need. Sometimes it can be very difficult for providers and caregivers to know that something's wrong, because as we mentioned before, people have different “normal” lifestyles. For example, I may keep my house messier than my best friend who keeps things neat as a pin. If my house is a little more lived in, then that's not a big deal for me, but if I'm in dirty clothes, or there's stacks of dishes in my living room, that might be a sign that something's not right. You most likely have an insight into your loved one that the care providers do not. You may be the one that saves the day by noticing little things. You can bring what you notice to the caregivers and medical providers. Things like, "Hey, they couldn't hear me on the phone, did they get the batteries changed in their hearing aids?” or “They couldn't see me very well, are cataracts coming on, is that why things aren't going well in their life?" Insights like these can be so valuable to care providers. And can make all the difference to your loved one. The last tip in our series on giving care when you can’t be there is the most personal level of involvement. It’s when you're deeply in your loved one’s day to day life. They trust you, they know you, they've given permission for you to take charge in some way. Maybe you have a durable power of attorney, or a medical or financial power of attorney. This is where you kind of start to take the reins. Obviously, it would have to be a crisis situation, something more extreme than arranging for lawn mowing. At this point you may need to find the documents that are needed to pay the bills, for example. Handle questions like, What's their health insurance? What are the numbers that need to be called to make sure claims are made or permission is given for certain kinds of care? Do they have long-term or short-term care policies or cancer policies? There might be money out there to help your friend but because of their condition, they may either not be able to manage it, or may not even remember that they have it. We have a checklist on our ninth tip blog to give you some ideas of things that might come into play during this time of crisis. You can be a strong support for their recovery and for the next steps that they need to take afterward. Well, that’s a brief summary of the 9 tips series of how to give care when you can’t be there. Thank you for spending time with me today. I hope you discovered some useful ways to help your loved one. If you want more detailed information, if you'd like some of the cheat sheets, forms you can fill out, or articles on with in-depth information, please check our website, retirementsafetyzone.com, or give me a call. I'm happy to help you get connected with the resources we’ve talked about. I hope you find some joy and some satisfaction in being able to do something practical for your loved one.

Next Steps:

If you want more detailed information, convenient forms you can fill out, or articles with in-depth information, click the link below for the full series of posts and articles. We hope you find some joy and some satisfaction in being able to do something practical from a distance.

Read the full #9in9Caring series here.

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